Sunday 30 April
Amazing communion service this morning-- lots of good versions of the liturgy from Africa, and Lauren, I discovered, has an awesome presence when leading any part of worship. Tea afterwards in the cloisters (a sheltered area of stone corridors around an open courtyard); I'll have had enough tea to drown a sheep by the time I'm done, I think.
Speaking of drowning, today it finally rained. Since it's been clear from our arrival on Wednesday ("our" as in mine along with the other new vollies), everyone has been telling us to appreciate it being dry while it lasts, and now it's more than clear why. The temperature seems to drop 10 degrees, the wind freezes your skin, and the gravelly paths become like soup under your feet. Returning from my evening shift at 7:30, it seemed as though the sky and the gulls were crying along with me in my loneliness. I've so much wanted a hug-- someone to hold, to hold hands with. Everyone else was off getting ready to drink or meet their own friends or gossip and giggle and talk about their favourite music groups and clubs. I want a mutually affectionate touch unhampered by the briefness dictated in social correctness. I wan a hug. I need love frrom someone in friendship, not just in universal welcoming. Is it not possible that I could be loved for the person I am uniquely and truly?
My deepest fear: not that I am powerful beyond measure, but that I am not enough to warrant real love.
God, how can I know your love truly if I can only experience it cerebrally? Why can I not feel it in another way? Am I barred from ever having a lasting and thoroughly loving relationship ever again?
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